Elimichurch

I must begin by saying that I do not look down on anyone who is not familiar with late night dating show Elimidate. It’s one of the last dating shows left from the boom that occurred three years ago that brought us such wonderfully televised reality shows, dating games, and live ‘cat fights.” It is, in my opinion, the sleaziest one out there, but that’s all up to the show’s editors, etc. The gist of the show is one guy or girl is single (obviously) and is set up on one long and unrealistic date in order to find his “true love” or just someone he can be on TV with for a day. But here’s the catch, he/she begins the date with 4 dates and after each round is supposed to eliminate the one he/she is less pleased with. The results are the epitome of why Dr. Dobson warns us of Satan living in our TV sets (or something like that) and why most church kids were only aloud to watch McGee & me tapes and PG movies until they were driving. The contestants, right from the start, begin tearing each other down in order to win the prize. Ladies attack the others’ looks, guys nit pick everything the other guys do, and the cameras capture it all. Every word, every tear…every rejection. All this is done so that in the end…that one lucky contestant can narrow down the field to find their “true date.”

Here’s what is going on my head. What if that was how we picked what church we went to or our pastor? What if the show was called Elimichurch/Elimipastor? Maybe something like this...?

Show Commentator:
Johnny seeker has been looking for a church home ever since he graduated college 2 years ago. He’s had a pretty steady church for awhile but got bored and realized their weren’t enough ministries for his age going on and left in search of one that fit him better. Today he hopes to find that lucky church and boy does he have options.

Pastor #1 is Phil the funny guy pastor
He has all the cool college talk down and knows the how to “get down with Jesus style.” He pastors a growing church plant outside of Santa Cruz, CA and playing sports, watching sports, and bleaching his hair as a sport. Love and acceptance are big parts of his ‘postmodern ministry.’

Pastor #2 is Harry the hymn thumper pastor (a.k.a. The Reverand)
He pastors a church in Bibleland, Connecticut and this guy knows church. His dad was a pastor, his mom a missionary, and his brother used to work at the local Christian bookstore. Harry likes to be called Reverend and can usually be found writing his ‘altar filling’ sermons or reprimanding a youth pastor that keeps letting kids throw water balloons in the sanctuary. He often brags about how he has his denomination’s entire handbook/discipline memorized just in case all the copies are lost in a fire or natural disaster.

Pastor #3 is Laurie the liberal everything pastor
If you were a sinner at that church, she’s got a way of reading the bible here that will make you ok again. Whether you live gay/straight, drink Pepsi or coke, drive Ford or Chevy, or have an abortion right before coming into church…you’re ok by her. She leads a large church in NY that pattern their core values after ‘God’s love for all his creation.’ She says that you can know God and can find community within the body of Christ…at her church. Laurie spends her free time writing negative, yet insightful responses to every article on Keithdrury.com.

Then the show begins and the contestant (Johnny the seeker) asks them questions, complains about how other churches/pastors have ripped him off in the past, and proceeds to listen as each one of the pastors/churches tell how they are different and better. Then the pastors/churches would begin to fight. One would point out the other’s ways of leaving true orthodoxy. Another would get hounded for misinterpreting scripture and leading people to hell or something in those words. Maybe another would claim they are the only true church and the others are not biblical at all. One of them would probably get attacked for being a boring preacher or for not being aware of the cool new ways to minister to our emerging culture.

What if this was how it was?
What if finding a church was like narrowing down a couple ‘under-qualified dates?’
What if churches all fought over people?

What if we were honest with ourselves?
Does the church need daters or lovers?

I'm done writing now...

Jared Bell